Continuing my work after children was never a question in my mind. As a business owner and leader, not returning wasn’t viable, and frankly, it wasn’t attractive to me either.
When I was pregnant with my first, I remember thinking, “Well, maybe I’ll love staying home during maternity leave and I won’t want to go back.”
Ha. That didn’t happen.
It took me about four weeks to start missing my job. I stayed home until our daughter started sleeping through the night (eight weeks old, don’t hate me, my son made us pay for it later) and then slowly started coming back into the office, calling into meetings, catching up on what I had missed.
I didn’t feel like I had to go back. I wanted to go back. I love my daughter and my son dearly, but Mama needs adult conversation, problems to solve that don’t involve bodily fluids, and the space to be creative and do the things I love.
Every family is built differently. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether parents should work or stay home. For me, building my businesses gives me happiness and fulfillment. For others, staying home with the kids provides that. To each their own. I’m not here to judge.
What I am here to do is help parents change their perspective on work and life when both are real.
Reframing Childcare Costs
Coming to terms with the cost of childcare is a huge part of the decision about whether Mom or Dad goes back to work. If you choose to work and pay for childcare, how you frame those costs in your mind matters. Frame them wrong and you’ll feel resentful every time the bill hits.
I think of our childcare costs as an investment. Here’s why.
My kids are learning life skills I couldn’t teach them. My kids go to a school that functions more like a school than a daycare, even with ages 0 to 5. They come home knowing things I would have never thought to teach them.
They are developing their own relationships. They have friendships entirely separate from me. I didn’t choose these friends and I can’t micro-manage how they interact with them. They are learning how to navigate other humans without being told every move to make. That is huge for who they become.
They are learning healthy attachment. Life goes forward when Mom and Dad aren’t around. Other people can provide comfort. Drop-offs are hard sometimes, especially through clingy stages. But most days, they wave goodbye and run over to their friends. They know we’ll pick them up at the end of the day. They feel safe and loved even when we’re not there. Isn’t that what every parent wants?
My mental health. I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. Work gives me the stimulation I need to stay sane. That isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for me. I know my kids are safe and loved while I’m doing the thing that fulfills me.
My marriage. This is the big one. My husband and I worked together for eight years before we got married. For us, going from being partners at work to a “working dad” and “stay-at-home mom” dynamic would be incredibly difficult. The strain on the relationship would be real. I do not relish being the default parent, and stay-at-home moms are the default parent by design. Every couple is different, but this matters enormously for us.
My businesses. My work fulfills me, and I also believe my businesses make our customers’ lives better. That’s our unofficial company-wide slogan: “We’re here to make our customers’ lives better, every damn day.” If I left to stay home, the businesses would not be the same. I bring unique qualities to the table. I’m not easily replaceable right now. I hope to be someday, but that’s not where we are.
My relationship with my kids. This one sounds backwards, but my relationship with my kids is healthier because they go to school. I am not the only disciplinarian. I am not their sole source of entertainment. I am not the only one who can provide comfort. Every parent knows the feeling of being over-touched and over-stimulated. Getting breaks from that feeling lets me show up happier, healthier, and more regulated when I’m with them. Missing my kids is a good thing. I love picking them up. I genuinely can’t wait to hear about their day.
The math
Now the costs. The dollar costs first, because those are much simpler.
Tuition, 3-year-old: $1282/month
Tuition, 1-year-old: $1325/month
Babysitter, some evenings and weekends: $800/month
House manager (cleaning, laundry, kids’ spaces, grocery runs): $1,000/month
Total: $52,884/year.
I know not every family has $52,000 a year to allocate to childcare. The frame still works at any number though. The exercise is the same whether you’re spending $6,000 a year or $60,000. Name the costs, name the benefits and then weigh them honestly.
Then there are the costs you can’t put on a spreadsheet. I miss my kids. I feel guilty sometimes. There are mornings when the drop-off is genuinely hard and I drive away in tears (thankfully this happens less and less). Those costs are real and I’m not going to pretend they aren’t.
I weigh those costs against the benefits above. For me, the math maths. My kids are learning life skills, building healthy relationships, and developing secure attachments. My businesses make money and make other people’s lives better. My marriage is healthier. My relationship with my kids is healthier.
For other parents, the math will land differently. The point is that the exercise can help you get to the right answer for you.
The bigger frame
I think that we can take lessons learned at work and apply them to decision making at home. You can do a cost-benefit analysis on things like childcare, make a decision and then move forward without second-guessing.
If the costs or the benefits change, you do the exercise again.
The important part is that you give yourself permission to stop feeling guilty, stop resenting the costs and stop double-checking your decisions.
I’m trying to lead my family like I lead at work. Most days this isn’t easy, but I can promise you that it’s worth it.